When it doesn't make sense
"I'm trying to figure out how to navigate through life as a christian and what that all entails" I whisper to him as that raw place in my heart aches.
I love that in brokenness its so much easier to turn to God. (Mike Huckabee said it perfectly in this video.)
If you would have asked me one week ago what the plan was well I would have told you exactly what I believed God was leading me to do. But now this week things have unraveled leaving me unsure.
I had my hands balled up in fists the other night. My heart ached for permanence which is unrealistic in the military.
Those fists scrubbed a front porch, drilled holes in different places, hung baskets and a lantern, painted furniture, pulled a cord to the mower, spray painted chairs, picked up scattered toys, and stayed tight all day refusing to accept the truth of what was deep within.
Confusion, loneliness, and a heart in need of a friend to come alongside and say 'laura, you're doing alright, i'm here'.
I was thrilled to have plans with our time over the next 3 years. We were to be sent to a shore duty for those three years and it was going to fix my desire for normal. I looked forward to that time and even was okay with not knowing where we'd be exactly but deep inside hoped we'd be close to family again.
When he told me of a different calling a mixture of pride and disappointment swelled up within.
The future became unclear once again.
I didn't have control of our circumstances.
When I sat at that kitchen table pouring my heart over page after page of what seemed to be a clear message on what route to take with this book, i beamed.
It was wonderful to have some control over this vision and see the beginning stages being played out. I thought God and I were on the same page.
A week later i'm nothing but unsure and its discouraging.
That desire for control quickly got in the way.
Those fists slowly turned to palms faced towards heaven and a heart full of an 'i'm so sorry for getting in the way Lord'
I'm down on my knees tonight working on surrendering.
I do believe that when I look back years from now i'll see how God did even more then I imagined or could plan.
Getting over ourselves doesn't happen overnight. Its something we choose daily.
With all of that said here is what was worked on today :)
I still have to hang the mirror, make a new banner, decorate some more but its really coming along!
The furniture painted dewdrop turned out nice :)