Friday, November 12, 2010

My first pregnancy meltdown

WELL It's here the first day that i feel pregnant...and it also happens to be the first day a woman noticed I was pregnant and said something. Finally at week 25 :).
I am having the weirdest first pregnancy meltdown though! Is it okay if I share with you? I've loved being pregnant and have felt incredible! Normally I'm feeling joyful and ready to welcome this baby into the world. However, today that is not the case! I am emotional.
I actually googled 'why do pregnant woman feel emotional'....oh yes i did. There is list of medical responses as well as practical to why a pregnant woman would feel bad every now and then. I already know that my body is going through change and that my hormones are wacky but it seemed wrong to feel this way.

So I went to God and was reminded of this verse:

Matthew 11:28-29 (NIV)
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

I LOVE this verse because it describes my Lord...He is actually explaining how he is inside. Gentle and humble..that is comforting.
It's incredibly to go before God and breakdown while confessing fears and discomfort.
Today I was on my feet all day and my back is killing me, something i've dealt with but this is really uncomfortable! I am not feeling very attractive which stinks and haven't been able to work out as much as I'd like. I'm STARVING all the time and have to fight cravings all the time. I am still working on wrapping up things with our move and new home. I am getting ready to say goodbye to family and friends which is really hard! Darren is unsure whether he'll be around for the birth of this baby, and I'm not sure where to have the baby. There are a list of things demanding my attention and i'm tired! I was writing out the list of food i'll need when I go grocery shopping while trying to figure out how to decorate the nursery. BREATHE! :) It's adding up, see?
My husband is gone..completely clueless to what's building up inside me because this is when i need him to hold me and tell me it's going to be fine but he's not here. Right now there's not much he can do since he's pretty busy.
This was dragging me down all day and I felt terrible for letting worrying steal the peace and joy that's become constant. It was really nice to go before God and share all this and be reminded of who he is and find comfort in that. I'm not perfect and am learning a lot these days! I'm thankful for how patient Christ is with me and how he's willing to meet me where i'm at and walk me out of darkness.

:) I am feeling MUCH better this evening. About the time I finished praying my baby boy starting wiggling and shifting around. I sure do love him! I can't imagine how much my life will change when he comes but i'm truly excited to meet him. I loved watching my belly bouncing and being kicked tonight and am treasuring our time together.

Tomorrow we're going to be baking and preparing food for my baby shower on Sunday! I'm looking forward to spending time with church friends and family. These ladies each have been an encouragement to my walk with God and i've loved that they're walking with me through this pregnancy now. Well I should wrap this up because sleep sounds pretty good about now! Thank you for walking with me through life and letting me share how God is working in my heart!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

My sister shot a ton of maternity pictures at the beach today. I snuck one in from my phone though. They turned out really great from what she showed me on her camera! We're going to do studio pictures either tomorrow or Saturday and that will be neat. It was fun to be creative and capture moments of this pregnancy.

I am beyond tired tonight. There are some days that it hits me suddenly and not only does my body shut down but my brain as well! It's wonderful that at the time being there isn't a lot of responsibility put on me. At least during the nights when this happens :). We're officially welcoming back heartburn to this pregnancy. It's here once again :/ I haven't been a griping pregnant woman because honestly this pregnancy has been incredible and I've felt wonderful. The heartburn is a part of pregnancy that I can tolerate easily, but it's been gone for so many weeks which was really nice. I guess it's time to say goodbye to orange juice again.

Today my sister and I went to the outlet mall for my first shopping trip for my baby boy. Oh how dangerous caters, gymboree, the childrens place are! it's terrible....I see these cute things and think my boy NEEDS this or that. haha I did really well today and stuck to a tight budget and shopped clearance racks and talked myself in and out of clothing selections. I haven't bought anything for him yet so today was the first time i let myself.

In my free time I've been thinking about how to decorate his nursery and at this point i've narrowed it down to either sports or sailboats. It's not easy for me because i'm not a visual designer. I'm more of the type to see something already done and say, 'yes! I love that!'. We'll figure something out though and i'm sure it will be cute.

I miss Darren so much today. A friend asked me last night how I was doing emotionally and it threw me off. After Darren left life had to go on and I had to figure out how to function normally without crying or feeling sorry for myself. I haven't cried a lot at all during this deployment because God has provided the strength to walk this road. There is joy and hope when my eyes are glued to Christ. I do have hard days though. When they come I spray his sweatshirt, look at a picture of him, and pray that God would let me crawl into his lap for awhile.
I will never stop missing his smile, kiss, laugh, comfort, and friendship. It's hard to let him leave for this long and trust God's plan.
Today is veterans day and for the first time in all my life I'm thinking of the veteran's families. The other half that goes unnoticed and sometimes not appreciated. Maybe because I'm there right now and it brings comfort to know so many have walked this road. My heart goes out to the wives who kissed their husband goodbye and He never did come home, or the children who said goodbye to mom or dad for months and made sacrifices. Also for the wives/mothers who held down the fort at home and supported their husband and took the role of everything...Thank you!

Happy veterans day!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I had a wonderful baby shower! Here are a few pictures...

These are adorable invitations
My new diaper bag that i'm very excited about!
My nephew logan and I :) had to slip that one in

Everyone signed with a suggested name either goofy or serious
Most creative? 'LaDarren' haha

24 weeks! Where is the time going? I am treasuring this pregnancy everyday.

Well I have some time to sit down and write and a heart filled with things I want to share with you! If you have time to read that would be great but i understand if not! (My posts can get lengthy at times)
These are four verses from the Bible that were given to me by my grandmother as a reminder of the kind of mother God wants me to be. In each of these verses the writer is not directing it towards mothers specifically but it can be applied for a mother.

1 Peter 3:3-4 (New King James Version)
3 Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— 4 rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.

1 Corinthians 15:58 (New King James Version)
58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.

1 Timothy 4:12 (New International Version)
12 Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.

Proverbs 31:26 (New King James Version)
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.

If my son observes these qualities of faith in me, he will be blessed! He will be a sponge as he observes my attitude, reaction to different situations, my actions, faith, and my relationships. As i think of this side of motherhood and it's significance I ask God, 'And all this on top of taking care of his physical needs?' haha and God responds with a 'yes!'. This baby has made me look closely at my relationship with God and how I live my life as a christian. There is no riding the fence between God and the world as I raise him. It's either one or the other and whichever road I take will ultimately effect this boy. I am raising this boy to be a man of God. That is why God entrusted him to me. He will sin and fall short just as we all do, but it's my prayer that he recognizes all that God is offering him through acceptance of His son Jesus. Forgiveness of sin, Grace to walk with him, the gift of spending an eternity in Heaven with him, and so much more.
A prayer for myself is that God would provide the strength to live in such a way that I have an unmovable faith.
Do you know what I will never be able to forget? How sweet it tastes to be walking with God. Honestly, the times in my life that I am walking upright in righteousness life is sweet! Grace is flowing down and covering me and I'm not the same as I was. It is always annoying to me when I go my own way. But today a light bulb came on after something my pastor said. He talked about how we reap what we sow. I have heard this many times in my life! haha but it's something that hasn't clicked.
I can't live two lives. If I want a harvest of God then i need to be sowing God into my heart. This is done by studying the Bible, praying, and serving Him. If I stop these things then surely my heart will be closed to God.
When God came into my heart there were many changes that He made for the better. I am often straying and doing my own thing. This breaks my heart because like paul says, I don't understand why I do the things I don't want to do. I am at times starving for Christ and want to know more because there is a deep longing for God. Knowing Him has filled every lonely bone in me! He pours love into my life through relationships, blessings, and discipline. He loves me and that i'm sure of. I've never experienced anything as amazing as this Almighty God. From the beginning to the end He does not disappoint.
I watched a clip of Jesus falling with the cross on his back. It broke my heart but that's not all it did..It made me feel incredible special. That this man who knew me and everything that I would do was willing to show an act of love that is beyond my comprehension. To die in my place and take all of my sin up to the cross. He paid the horrible cost of my sin, and why? Because He loves me. No one has ever given me a gift like this, can you understand the joy of having Jesus' spirit reside in my heart and how i'm able to converse with him daily? I have never tasted something so sweet in all my life.
Darren and our son are not mine to keep. They are each God's and have been given to me to love and take care of. It's awesome that I find my best friend is Darren and that a sweet baby is on his way!
A long time ago I made a choice to serve God in all that I do. That means no matter praises for him will come from my mouth.
In a month God is moving me to a new state, community, and home. It is all bittersweet because leaving family and friends is hard but this is God's plan. Right now awaiting Darren and I are opportunities to serve and be a light for Christ. Virginia will be our missions field and we'll find a church that serves it's community and is growing together. I am excited to see what God has planned for us being there! We will come in contact with many military families and it's my prayer that we'll be an encouragement to them. Please pray for us as we make this transition and our baby boy is born there.
Alright, well this seems to be a good stopping point! I hope this was an encouragement to you tonight. Thank you for reading :).
I want to leave you with a song that's been playing in my head all day. I hope it's a blessing to you.