Friday, March 11, 2011

Normally writing in my journal or in this blog is easy.  The words naturally flow and it's nice to share what's going on in my heart.  I'm actually surprised by my lack of words lately.  Mostly because my heart is full of love for Garrett but I can't find the right words to explain what's going on inside of me.  For example right now my sweet boy is asleep and i'm melting because he is healthy, happy, and at peace while he sleeps.  I want to pick him up and kiss him over and over and then let the tears fall.  I can't tell you how many times I came before God and asked for my son.  Just that he would let him be born and that I could hold him and love him.  I didn't know God's will, or even now what the future holds but I begged that God would allow Garrett to come into this world.  God blessed me two weeks ago when this child was placed in my arms.  I am not guaranteed anything so I keep thanking God for Garrett, my beautiful boy.  He is a gift and one that has been entrusted to Darren and I to raise in a home that serves the Lord. 
I've been caught up lately in the daily routine of feedings, diaper changes, and a sleepy boy but today it hit me, when was the last time I really talked to Garrett? I felt so bad! I've been filled with questions for his physical health and am very concerned in that area because I want to take care of him but I was lacking in another very important area. I try to keep nightly feedings quiet but even during the day I realized i've been quiet.  The boy can't talk but that doesn't mean I should be quiet during the day! Silly mommy..:)  Just loving on him and talking to him is something he needs!
I don't know if he smiles yet...but when I started talking to him and he was looking up at me he was smiling a toothless grin and it melted my heart.  I want my tiny baby to stay little for a long time and I feel like i'm experiencing something special being able to stay home with him.  Not all mothers have that privilege but I am beyond grateful that i'm able to. 
We have been talking about how much Jesus loves him, and how much mommy and daddy love him too.  The very first night he spent with me I told him the story of Jesus.  I won't ever forget holding him in my arms as I told him about Christ.  I can't wait to see how God reveals himself to Garrett over the years. What an incredible privilege to be used by God to represent Christ to my little boy. But I don't want to downplay how hard that job is!  To be like Christ is a daily choice and one that i'm not always good at following through with.  But I love my God very much and I hope that always shows and Garrett is able to pick up on that.  I think that in the way I live each day and how I treat others and Darren will be very important to our son who will be a sponge!

This evening my friend Crystal came over and I had such a nice time talking and sharing my son with her.  It was a relief to have friendly conversation and be able to laugh and talk about my new life and hear about how she has figured things out with her daughter.  I needed that time as it was extremely comforting to not feel alone! Thank God for good friends!

Well that's all I have for tonight :) Garrett is sleeping and I probably should have taken a nap with him since he's off on his day/night right now. Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

It's amazing how quickly your life can change.  How you can go from laying on the couch watching T.V., hugging your tummy and dreaming of what's to come, and then it comes..and life is never the same again.
I am sitting here and the aroma of fresh spit up covers my shirt, my hair is in the messiest ponytail i've ever seen, but i'm at peace because I look across the room and there they are, my two boys.  The two guys that have stolen my heart and are God's gift to me.  I don't take either one for granted and realize how special these days are with them.  Our tiny family is made whole because of Christ.  I honestly couldn't have made it to this day without the guidance of my savior.
Today I was given three wonderful long hours to have 'me time'.  I was able to read my bible, clean up our home, and even make my bed! Who knew i'd feel so good being able to make my bed! ha seriously it is wonderful having a neat home. 
Then I sat down and watched t.v. and went into a state of relaxation while watching Cinderella (the one with Brandy).  God allows times of rest for a reason.  I needed a break so that I could take a step back and remember how wonderful my son is and that it's important to cherish this time with him and not get too worked up about feedings or schedules.  Life is simply unpredictable right now and i'm going to have to accept that.  The sooner the better!
Our church has been bringing us meals and it is a HUGE blessing! What a nice gesture to a family with a newborn baby. I can't even explain how wonderful it is to hear a knock at the door and see a friendly face with a handful of food.  I love the short conversation with the few woman who have stopped by and being encouraged in that short period of time.  Thank you!
I have learned to eat VERY fast.  If I remember to eat at all.  For example today it was 3:00 before I realized that I hadn't eaten.  It's not that i'm not hungry but did you know it's possible to forget about lunch? In my mind there are a thousand things (maybe an exaggeration!?) running through and then I forget about eating!  So tonight I had dinner except I hardly remember tasting it because I shoveled it down. Mainly because I was hungry but also because I never know how much time i'll be given to eat.  ..and who really wants a cold meal?

My husband is amazing.  Let me tell you how much I love that man! In the mornings he saves me coffee, he fills up my water jug and leaves it on the nightstand for when I get up.  He changed Garrett's diaper before he left for work!  He tells me that i'm beautiful/sexy..oh yes men THIS is important to do after your wife gives birth!  He still holds me during the night and is doing an incredible job of taking care of Garrett and I.  It's nice to be able to say, 'hey Darren, i'm feeling really sad tonight and i'm not sure why' and for him to hug me or say it's going to be okay.  I'm thankful that he helps me take care of Garrett's physical needs too. 
This weekend Darren's parents are coming! I'm very excited right now to have them come to meet Garrett and have their help.  I almost cried from reading a note my mother in law sent about coming to help.  It was a God send for sure! To hear, 'don't worry about anything, I change diapers, we're coming to help' ah..that is music to my ears! So we can't wait for them to come and have time with their grandson.

I love how simple life is in the midst of how crazy it is.  I love the moments that Garrett is snuggling up to me, fast asleep.  I love this child and it has given me a new perspective or glimpse of how God loves His children. It's deep..deeper than how I love my son and that is deep.  Loving Garrett is a natural thing to me...from the first moment I learned that we were expecting I couldn't wait and wanted to protect this baby and shower him with kisses.  Then for 9 months I carried him around inside of me dreaming big about motherhood and loving him some more.  But then I saw him for the first time and I cried tears of joy because he was perfect and beautiful.  It was just as I'd hoped it would be when we first saw each other.  And now he is almost 2 weeks old and my love has only deepened.  There has been long nights and days, i'm sleep deprived and exhausted but I love him more than ever.  At 2 in the morning it is hard to get up to your crying child who is demanding food but he is worth fighting tiredness and I'm definitely thankful for my new life as a mother.  It gets better I keep hearing....


Sunday, March 6, 2011

My sweet baby

If I could ask for one thing tonight it would be a hug, my bed, box of tissue, and a chance to cry these sad feelings out. haha okay that's more than one thing but all those things go together, right? My mom had to leave today and I am feeling really bad! We were spoiled to have her here for 3 weeks!
Right now Garrett is sitting in my lap, leaning his head on my chest and looking super cozy.  This is how I feel in Jesus' arms today.  I am safe and after reading this morning how I am chosen by God to be his adopted Child (in Ephesians 1) it is sticking in my heart and mind. 
Garrett is on a schedule of his own, we don't have a feeding every 2 hours for 20 minutes. It's more sporadic and all across the board. Sometimes the boy falls asleep and I can't get him up, other times he eats for forever! There are times he eats EVERY hour, and then he'll decide to go three hours without eating.  It is hard for a girl like me who loves a schedule to follow.  I feel on demand 24/7 and it is exhausting! There have been moments I think, 'oh i'm done with this, lets do formula!'  But it's special to have time to bond with him in a special way. 
Who would have thought my favorite part of the day would be the mornings? I LOVE them sunshine or rain.  It's a new day and it's when I sit quietly before God and let him speak to my heart through the word.  I am at peace in the midst of uncertainty.  Garrett is content in the morning for the most part and I love when there is no cries to fix.  He looks up at me with his sweet eyes and I'm captured with a love that's unexplainable. 
As crazy as being a mother can be, it's also incredible.  To love another human being deeply and to the point that they could never do anything to make you not love them.  He gets angry during feedings sometimes and then i'm frustrated but as soon as we figure it out, we're both calm and i've forgotten already that he scratched me up!
I love my Savior more so today than ever before.  I love that I can step into his presence and be completely real with him.  Admit to fears, exhaustion, and sadness knowing He will cover me with His love in some way.   He blessed me with a husband who knows me and when Darren can tell i'm not feeling good will be there to talk with me, kiss me, or hold me.  What a great husband! My marriage has been fruitful this past week and that's a huge blessing.  It's scary bringing a baby home, feeling like a mess, and not knowing what you're doing.  Both Darren and I had a horrible first night when we brought Garrett home, but we've come so far since that night.  He is patient, loving, respectful, and caring towards me.  I keep thanking God that Darren is on board with fatherhood and wants to be a part of his sons life. 

I love how simple my life has become even though it's actually become complex! In Christ anything is possible.  Even a calm heart for a new mother.  I have accepted the house may not be neat as a pin, there won't be a 3 course dinner at 5:00, I won't look perfect, but I will have God remain in my heart each day...and that is going to be what holds this family together.  I want to walk through each day trusting God and loving him with all of my heart, mind, and soul.
Well my little bug is waking up and that means it's time to eat and get a diaper change! Hope you are having a wonderful sunday friends. :)