Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I'm not sure whose crazy idea it was to not drink soda for an entire month but she is CRAZY..and there should have been some kind of warning.  For example: **Be cautious when cutting coca cola out of your diet for a month..headaches almost everyday**. yeah..something like that. :) Well I'm committed already so not too much longer.  But let me tell you friends, when I am able to have a coke again, it will be a glorious day!

My tiny baby is not so tiny anymore. He is 16.6 pounds!  But you know what he is one perfect and healthy baby according to the doctor so i'm happy about that. He was one tough cookie during his shots. It was hard to see his face turn cherry red and then hear him let it out. Thankfully at this age they will settle down pretty quick afterwards! He is making me very happy though.  I was looking at him today admiring what God entrusted to us...I am thankful that God wants me to teach this little one about Him.  A teacher..what a wonderful role.

Tonight I went to bible study with no expectations of anything huge happening except a nice evening with my friends, learning something new from God's word. 
What I never expected was to have God smash down my neat walls that protect the dearest part of me.  For the past two days I have in several ways heard that without love the truth you share is pretty pointless if not spoken in love. I may have a lot of good advice that I have learned from the Bible but if I were to ever share that without love it won't be for any good. Does that make sense? I have been missing love and I didn't know why.
What caused me to build walls? Rejection. 
Recently a few things have cause me to nearly be crippled in spirit caused by rejections. let me go into detail.

Rejection by this World I live in:
What does our American culture tell me? You don't make money, therefore you are not successful.  You don't have a degree, therefore you're not smart. You're a stay at home mother and that doesn't qualify you for anything but changing diapers and feeding my child.
Do you understand how badly this hurts? It goes against everything in which Christ is telling me but I believe that I don't count, that i'm useless.  It's in my human nature to believe the negative that i'm nothing rather than I'm chosen by God.

Rejection by people:
I won't go into detail to much here but I have been rejected by one of the people that I loved THE MOST. I can't tell you how awful it feels.  To try to love and be shut out constantly and after awhile I begin to believe that I am useless or not important.  So I stopped loving..and I mean I stopped caring for others because I didn't want risk hurting that deep again. 

What life looks like when you live rejected~
My house became a mess. Why bother? What is the point, it doesn't matter right? My heart became hard towards people and I didn't really want to get close to anyone.  I will love only a little and be safe. But where there is that empty place I allowed other bad stuff to come stay.
I didn't know this until tonight. 

Acceptance by God:
I feel like God walked into that room tonight, sat down and talked direct with me laying it all out on the table in an honest way asking if I wanted to be free? He said I was going to run the risk of rejection in relationships but that I need to understand his sovereignty in my life. He taught me about loving in a hard way that only He can give through me.  The kind of love talked about in 1 Corinthians 13..a love that requires a choice on my part..not based on how I'm feeling. I wanted to sob because He was asking me to let my heart be exposed to others.  To love again..in a deeper way that the people He brings into my life need. 
He tells me that I am His, that I don't need a degree to do the His will or share His love. That being a mother is an extroadinary job with deep importance to Him.  That to keep my home neat, have good meals can be done to bring glory to God. I will always want the very best for when God is in our home and I want others to be welcomed and comfortable. 
He will provide for our needs and my identity is found in Christ.  I am his child which is the greatest privilege i'll ever know.  People do not reject me always, sometimes they reject Christ in me..and that is for God to handle, not me. What a comforting and freeing thought!
And to the one that rejects me still...I can love again because this love God teaches me about doesn't keep a record of wrongs...and it forgives, it's kind, and it doesn't fail.
I will face rejection, but God chose me.
What a beautiful night full of God's love.

I don't know who this is reading right now, but I care about you in a way I never did before. Thank you for walking this journey with me.


Anonymous said...

Rejection is a tough topic. The truth of rejection is that it isn't what a person does to us as much as it is how we interpret it. At some point early in our lives, someone said or did something to push us away. We were hurt, and when that feeling bonded with our heart, we built the walls.

I've been kicked to the curb by pastors. I've been kicked to the curb by partners. I've been kicked to the curb by my mother. I've been kicked to the curb by past employers. The truth, though? I was a great worship leader, church goer, church leader --- who apparently made those two pastors feel like they (THEY???) couldn't control me. I was a really kind, loving wife, partner and friend whose husband didn't grow; whose partners made other choices - all based upon the things lacking in their own lives. I was a daughter who did so much to try to earn approval and was always met with, "You should have done that over there -- instead." I was an employee who worked hard all the time, especially after divorcing, to learn the job, make the workplace enjoyable and take care of my kids - all at once.

It. Hurt. To be told that your best of intentions isn't good enough for whatever reason hurts. So yeah, walls go up. The goodness in it all, though, is that while we are building those walls, God is right there, on our side, nodding and agreeing with us, "Yeah! You really didn't deserve that!" or "Great wall there, Gail!" And THEN He puts his arms around us, protecting us and whispers in our ear, "Now....take that wall back down. I'm here. I will protect you. You don't need it."

Boom. Wall down.

Vulnerability up. Until we reacquaint ourselves with ----- TRUST. Trusting in God is a struggle we all face. Those of us who have been hurt have a little harder time getting to "trust" than others, but it is a joy to get there, just the same! We internalize our hurts, but we externalize the results. I tend to hermit myself, and don't get stuff done around the house, either. Sometimes I'll forget to just get up and move around in the afternoon. Both my kids work, so why bother, right? Baaaaaaad idea! I've learned that, for me, I need to keep myself up and busy - usually NOT at home - in order to prevent the temptation to hide.

Cuz ya know what? God is in that small voice no matter where I hide. He's been poking at me for a long time to get back to church. This past Sunday, I did just that. Not many people can see how a church that is as loving as this one is and as God-fearing as this one is can be as inclusive and supportive of the gay community as it is. I was welcomed into the congregation as though I'd been there all along. THAT is a loving church! No matter what a person's view is about "The Topic," it is a true fact that God Is. That's good enough for me! LOL!

I hope that, as you do your reading this week, you find a way to re-frame "rejection" and can maybe view it as the other person's issue rather than a mirroring of what is inside you. God wants us to let it go. I'm still learning...but I will get there, too.

And so will you, my young friend, Laura. 1 Corinthians 13:1-7 & 13. This is a comforting scripture for me. I hope it always will be for you, too. (Matt. 7:1-6 is another one...)


Jamie said...

Great post! Not comment totally off topic, but kudos for getting off soda for a month! If I may offer a suggestion (as someone who gave up soda years ago) the trick is to not get back on it once the month is over. You're already doing the hard part (headaches); if you don't go back on the soda, that part will pass and you'll be ahead of the game. Go back on it, and if you ever decide to get back off you'll have to do the hard part all over again. Just a thought... :0)