Sunday, March 6, 2011

My sweet baby

If I could ask for one thing tonight it would be a hug, my bed, box of tissue, and a chance to cry these sad feelings out. haha okay that's more than one thing but all those things go together, right? My mom had to leave today and I am feeling really bad! We were spoiled to have her here for 3 weeks!
Right now Garrett is sitting in my lap, leaning his head on my chest and looking super cozy.  This is how I feel in Jesus' arms today.  I am safe and after reading this morning how I am chosen by God to be his adopted Child (in Ephesians 1) it is sticking in my heart and mind. 
Garrett is on a schedule of his own, we don't have a feeding every 2 hours for 20 minutes. It's more sporadic and all across the board. Sometimes the boy falls asleep and I can't get him up, other times he eats for forever! There are times he eats EVERY hour, and then he'll decide to go three hours without eating.  It is hard for a girl like me who loves a schedule to follow.  I feel on demand 24/7 and it is exhausting! There have been moments I think, 'oh i'm done with this, lets do formula!'  But it's special to have time to bond with him in a special way. 
Who would have thought my favorite part of the day would be the mornings? I LOVE them sunshine or rain.  It's a new day and it's when I sit quietly before God and let him speak to my heart through the word.  I am at peace in the midst of uncertainty.  Garrett is content in the morning for the most part and I love when there is no cries to fix.  He looks up at me with his sweet eyes and I'm captured with a love that's unexplainable. 
As crazy as being a mother can be, it's also incredible.  To love another human being deeply and to the point that they could never do anything to make you not love them.  He gets angry during feedings sometimes and then i'm frustrated but as soon as we figure it out, we're both calm and i've forgotten already that he scratched me up!
I love my Savior more so today than ever before.  I love that I can step into his presence and be completely real with him.  Admit to fears, exhaustion, and sadness knowing He will cover me with His love in some way.   He blessed me with a husband who knows me and when Darren can tell i'm not feeling good will be there to talk with me, kiss me, or hold me.  What a great husband! My marriage has been fruitful this past week and that's a huge blessing.  It's scary bringing a baby home, feeling like a mess, and not knowing what you're doing.  Both Darren and I had a horrible first night when we brought Garrett home, but we've come so far since that night.  He is patient, loving, respectful, and caring towards me.  I keep thanking God that Darren is on board with fatherhood and wants to be a part of his sons life. 

I love how simple my life has become even though it's actually become complex! In Christ anything is possible.  Even a calm heart for a new mother.  I have accepted the house may not be neat as a pin, there won't be a 3 course dinner at 5:00, I won't look perfect, but I will have God remain in my heart each day...and that is going to be what holds this family together.  I want to walk through each day trusting God and loving him with all of my heart, mind, and soul.
Well my little bug is waking up and that means it's time to eat and get a diaper change! Hope you are having a wonderful sunday friends. :)

1 comment:

Anonymous said... are doing well as a new exhausted frustrated mom. It only gets better from here on. Tne first week is the hardest. And you now "know" your son and his ways. In just a week! Your own schedule will settle in soon and you'll be getting more rest. That much I can promise! :-)