There he is..my new life :). The one that stole my heart!
I've turned into a paranoid mother...please don't judge me let me explain! This morning my baby slept for about 4.5 hours and although some mothers (and I will be at this point one day) would be rejoicing, I was panicking. 'Why is he sleeping so long? Is he alive? What's wrong with him?'. Oh yes..that is exactly what I thought but what was crazy is the amount of times I had to pop my head up or sit up quickly to see if he was breathing! Then I saw a mark on his face and it looked like a bug bite, I've never wanted to kill a bug so badly! How dare that bug touch my baby and leave a mark..'oh wait laura that's a pimple, phew..close call for that bug!'. As I write this now I can laugh and think, you are one silly mom but the more I think about it I realize just how much I love Garrett. I don't want him to be hurt and I feel it's my job to protect him. However it's hit me now that I need to give Garrett to God and go before God with all my fears that are stored away causing me to not be at peace during the day. SIDs is one of the scariest things to me, but I have to trust God's will. I can either be paranoid and miss out on my newborn or lay my fears at God's feet and enjoy each moment with my baby. It's hard! ..but it's been nice to talk to a few mothers and hear, 'yes, i struggled with that as well but this is how I handled it...'. Thank God for other moms!
I realize how quickly things can change but for right now my son is good. He is happy and the most easy going little man around. He cries when he is hungry, has gas, or an occasional fussy moment. But in all honest I believe God created one wonderful baby for Darren and I as first time parents! I do get nervous when he cries but he gets easier and easier to figure out each day! I realize down the road that may not be the case but for right now it is, and i'm really thankful to God for that. Today he was the picture of a perfect baby. haha okay okay maybe not perfect he did pee on grandma's lap, and on mommy's hand..:p. but besides that he was relaxed, ate well, slept wonderfully and sat with his grandparents for a long period of time. It was nice to relax myself and soak up his sleepy and alert moments. He is holding his head up and it is the cutest thing i've seen! He looks extremely proud and has that 'look what I can do' face! That's fun to watch him learn new things. Right now he is sleeping right next to me in his bed and due to wake up for a feeding anytime now. I love snapping a picture of him and a few days later looking back and admiring him. Why did God bless me with this sweet boy? God is walking me through the toughest days of my life and i'm grateful to be loved. I don't have all the answers and my brain feels all scrambled, I have grown accustom to the one and only hairstyle..the ponytail, and I wear t-shirts and jeans only. I'm not fancy or well put together these days but i'm loving my simple life. I get excited for 10 min showers, or when my legs get shaved! I feel it a privilege when I eat a meal without feeling like i'm on a time limit. It is a blessing to find time to write in my blog because it's helping me grow by journaling where i'm at that day and feeling refreshed when I close the computer. Yes, indeed my life has changed but I like it. Wait, I could do without the diaper changes! (I haven't figured out how to go quickly enough without getting peed on)
I like that the only argument my husband and I are having is over who changes his diaper...that seems like a good place to be in. Last night Garrett was laid on our bed and Darren and I were leaning over him and he smiled a huge toothless grin at us as we talked to him and gave him sweet kisses. We're in love and couldn't have dreamed life would be like this with our son. It's going to be hard and stressful sometimes but i'm realizing we're not alone. God has provided a large group of people who are willing to help in any way and that's been awesome.
He loves us very much. I often wonder what it will be like when people stand before Him on judgement day that didn't believe in Him. I wonder how he'll see them as he sends them away for all of eternity. I feel bad that they missed out on His gift of grace and mercy and the neatest relationship ever offered to them. These things have caused me to make note of some things in my life that I don't want to happen...
-I don't want to be too comfortable and not see the needs of others. I don't want to become so shut off from our world that I forget to love the people in it.
-I don't want to go to a church that is only there for themselves. I am sad about our church in America, why don't we give, why do we complain about the luxuries in a church? I don't want to go on sunday and sing songs, listen to a message, chat with a few people and go..I want to be united and God to be the head of that church. I want to be in a church that God is using to build His kingdom. Where the people are growing in Christ and loving each other well. I want to be in a place that is reaching out...and I want to be a part of that. It's my prayer right now that we could be involved..because that's what we're here for.
-I don't want to live selfishly or continue to not see how spoiled I am. I don't ever want to take for granted the blessing it is to live in America.
I realize this end is a little on the serious side but I want to share what is going on in my heart during midnight feedings as God challenges me through the lives of the men and woman in the Bible. He put story after story that gives an account of these people's lives for a reason..to teach me how he wants me to live. I want to live a life that honors Him, and when my time comes that He will be able to say 'well done thy good and faithful servant'. That is my goal. I want to be a loving wife, mother, family member, and friend. I hope these challenges continue to rock my core and change the way I see others, myself, and God.