Saturday, April 9, 2011

My Hiding Place

He is still my favorite, even after the last few days we've had that are reflected in this picture. :)

'You must give up being worried that you'll not be perfect and fail, because you will, and that's ok'. This is the message gently being sewn into my heart tonight.  It is the medicine my soul has needed and God is the best doctor out there to fix my chaos.  He is the best because of how deeply he loves me.  I love Him too and am feeling bad because of how long it took to ask for help. 
I've been tearing myself apart for not being able to fix my son's crying. I hate not knowing what's going on with my baby but I need to pray when those thoughts of worry come.  God loves Garrett more than I ever could and cares about these smaller issues.  Right now Garrett needs a patient and calm mommy.  I can only be that through God who gives me strength.  That strength comes from spending time in his word and in prayer.  I feel like in a way my walk with God has been all over the place since i've become a mother but he is still holding me together. : ) It's going to be hard at times but he is ready to come to my rescue when I ask.  I do feel bad about not trusting him and being such a worried mother.  I am praying that God would build my confidence as Garrett's mom.  I know that begins with a confident 'Laura' first though and this may be a longer learning process than overnight. I love quick fixes but there is a lot of insecurities that God is going to need to let rise to the top of my heart to scoop out.  Don't you hate the gunk in our hearts?  All that to say i'm thankful to be at peace tonight and surrendered completely to God.  That is the most perfect hiding place. : )
In a month i'm going to step into my new role as a 'single mom' during the weeks.  Darren will be heading up north to school for four months and I will be clinging to God.  I want to find joy in those days as a wife, mother, and mostly child of God.  Hopefully i'll be able to start reaching out more to others. 
Today Darren was able to go see two baseball games with his friends and I'm really glad he did.  He needs that time to unwind and get out with friends.
I needed time with God tonight alone.  I'm learning how to let God help me balance out all of my responsibilities.  There will be days the house isn't clean and I look awful but it won't always be that way.  I don't need to fall apart when things aren't perfect because they won't always be.  I just need to ask God to give me patience and mostly grace!
I have been handling a fussy baby lately and it can be overwhelming to say the least.  Whenever I start to feel selfish and think poorly I immediately think 'right now there is a mother who once lost her child and would give anything to hold her screaming baby again'.  It makes me lean down and kiss Garrett each time and I am filled with strength to handle him with love. 
It's not all hard though, for example he is smiling more and more.  It's really the cutest thing to see him smiling up at you and he loves music.  We listened to disney music today and lately i've been singing songs about God that I learned as a little girl to him.  He does look more and more adorable everyday and when he does finally fall asleep he is precious.  I love him..and it's amazing how nothing he can do will change that.  I guess that's how God feels about us.  It's neat to understand unconditional love finally..but to know that God loves even deeper than I love Garrett blows me away.
Well I should wrap this up for tonight because tomorrow we are going to church and I should get some rest! Thanks for sharing with me in this journey.  I needed to write tonight and express what God is doing in my heart.

I normally get a lot of helpful advice from people but I wanted to know if you'd pass along an encouraging verse to me today.  I would love that! :)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dearest Laura,
Oh, how I wish I could be there with you to help in some way...but from here...I send my prayers and Isaiah 40:31 "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Keep listening for those promptings from the Holy Spirit...He will carry you through! Love you sweet girl, Angie