I've been sitting on my computer for a little while and decided i should really write something! Writing is always something that blesses me more than i can explain. It formulates clear sentences and ideas from all the jumbled mess that goes on inside my head! The verses referring to being still before God are always the hardest for me! The thoughts roll in one by one and then the depths of those thoughts have levels you couldn't believe. We'll call me a 'deep thinker' and leave it at that! Sometimes it does drive me crazy because i have a lot of random thoughts about things i read and can't come to a conclusion.
For example, this issue about Jennifer Knapp coming out of the closet has my mind in tangles. There is a lot of really sad thoughts with this issue forcing to push me down and it's a battle. Jennifer Knapp was one of my favorite musicians and throughout high school I clung to the lyrics she wrote for life support at times. Her song 'refine me', and 'hold me now' were my two favorite. They were songs filled with such raw emotion and yet uplifting. She left the music scene in 2003 and disappeared for awhile. I always wondered where she went but didn't think too much on the matter. Then last week while reading an entry from Addison road's blog it mentioned Jennifer Knapp being a homosexual. The Bible refers to homosexuality as a sin. We may not agree but from reading the bible it is pretty clear God is not okay with it. I do not put this particular sin above others though, sin is sin. I am upset about the fact that Jennifer Knapp is justifying her sin. She has been gone for 7 years, traveling and five of those years with her partner in Australia. Now she is coming back to play music again, and although there are mixed reviews from many fans I'm still shaking my head. As i read through interviews there is an underlying discomfort for her. I'm thankful for that! To come back into the spotlight and claim God is okay with sin and then write what i call 'angry music' aimed towards the church, well i'm just wondering why? This story angers me and i'm left trying to pick up the pieces of a young girl that adored this artist only to find out her music was probably written at a time she was trying to figure out her struggle. (It's disturbing)
Sin is messy. I don't not like Jennifer Knapp but i can't listen to her music anymore. It's not because she's a homosexual. It's because she is making statements that God is okay with her sin. Aren't we always trying to justify sin? We are too afraid to call sin what it is. I'm a sinner and there are certain times i try to justify why i sinned. I could write a book on this very topic. Our world and the blame game! We all have been at fault for this at one time in our life. It's not natural to fight sin, but the way God rewards you for struggling through to victory is incredible. I don't know what jennifer knapp is going through, i don't have her thoughts and battles but the worst thing for me to do is bad mouth her. Her lifestyle is a sin and there are at least three places in the Bible that make reference to that. However, it's not my place to point any fingers because if i remember correctly pride is mentioned WAY more in the bible then homosexuality. Right now i'm working on praying for her and committing all my thoughts on this to God.
Moving along! Currently i am drugged up on suddefed pe. The way it knocks me out is wonderful but when i come back to the sickness is still there! Bummer. I've been sick since Tuesday with sinus junk. It's now almost Monday and i'm still sneezing, coughing, and stuffy nosed. I am at the stage where the Kleenex is piling up on my nightstand and i'm wondering why i dont bring a trash can next to the bed. I tried to run friday and that was a huge mistake! I started running and hardly made a dent into my two miles because i was sneezing and wheezing. I walked the rest of the way completely miserable! I tried to soak up the beauty of the sun and some quiet time with God but i admitted to him i couldn't wait to be inside! I love being outside but i'm thinking this is allergies. I read tonight that the pollen around here is very high. I didn't know i had allergies but this can't be a cold. It's lasting way too long! Now comes the not so fun part. I know this isn't getting better and my friends told me to go to the doctor but i just hate the doctors! I hate going alone, having someone inspect me, not having any idea whats going on, and waiting around for what seems to be forever. Am i alone on this? But...tomorrow i'm going to call and make an app. because i need medicine! Funny, i'm wrapping this paragraph up and i sneezed! It's official i need to go see a doctor. :)
Part of growing as a christian is going through the fire to be refined. It's not an easy or fun process obviously but i know whenever it happens it's for a good reason. During these times i learn hard lessons, or realize God is bringing sin to my attention. The purpose of this is for His glory, so that i may become more like Christ. That knowledge alone brings a huge amount of peace to my heart. This past week i've been feeling a lot and missing my husband like crazy. I am so hard on myself when it comes to walking with God. I wanted to share a very personal experience in hopes that it may encourage you!
Thursday i was talking to the lord and praising him for bringing me some really great friends into my life that are very fun! Also the fact that I know He is working in their lives and i have the chance to see that is incredible. I was looking forward to getting our toes done and having dinner saturday night. (it turned out to be a lot of fun, and we have cute toes now!) Anyways before my class i had some time so i was listening to music on my phone (Pandora radio), when a great song came on! Addison Road's, "What do i know of holy". I was sitting on the side of my bed praising God and singing this song to him. The place i sang from was not on my bed but from a place in my heart that used to be an empty corner filled with sin, that He had over time filled with Himself. An overwhelming sense of awe spilled over through song. I don't have God figured out, and it's not easy to walk this road. Some days it's scary because it can be lonely if you don't force yourself into His presence. This experience of joy came from a long journey of surrendering a place in my heart i hadn't given to him. I want to encourage you to surrender all of your life to God. He loves you, and that's why he sent Jesus. So that you could have a more abundant life. Honestly, you were made for him and if you still have the emptiness inside, please sit back and think about making a decision to let God into your heart.
In the next few weeks Darren and I will find out where we'll be going next in June. I am excited to know but strangely i can't see myself moving to another state next month. Seems like we settled into our home yesterday! These are the times i'm reminded i'm married to a Sailor. :) Please pray for us as we find out where we're going next. Mainly for a peaceful transition, these moves can be hectic! Thanks so much!
Alright well i'm going to watch some more i love lucy and take more medicine so that i can fall asleep! I slept from 6-9 tonight...did i mention my sleep schedule is all sorts of messed up!