Monday, April 26, 2010

A rainy monday

Good evening! it's almost Tuesday but i'm finding myself with time to write and a full heart ready to spill over.

Darren works across the base and it's too far to walk/ride a bike so we decided with our one car I'd drop him off. Three mornings of the week we wake up at 4:00 to drop him off for p.t. Thankfully i can go back to sleep ;) Well this morning i was driving back to the house (half asleep) when a radio broadcast about one of my favorite music groups, Selah came on. Todd smith and his wife Angie went through their story of their fourth little girl dying a few hours after she was born. They were told ahead of time of the complications but didn't believe in terminating their daughter. As they told their story and the couple hours their family had to spend with their little girl i started shaking my head because i knew the tears were on the way and i just didn't want to hear another one of these devastating stories that break my heart. I was about to turn the station but then the mother said something incredible. She had explained that when she found out she forced herself to say over and over that God is still the same as he was that morning. I soaked up every word of that truth! He is the same God no matter what conditions we go through in life.

Then i spent some time with a couple really great girls working out at the gym! I ran and did some strength training. I'm Looking forward to going to the gym tomorrow as well. My weight has been fluctuating since i've been married and it's driving me crazy. I love food so much and i'm not picky which is part of the problem! I was at a good weight two months ago and now i've gained some weight back and here i go again with the mindset to lose 10 pounds! :) it can be frustrating but i have to remember that although it's good to be healthy, i can't believe that if i'm a perfect weight then i'm acceptable. I'm happy to work out though, i don't mind it. It's the part where i have to watch how much i'm eating that i'm not fond with! I envy the twigs out there that can eat as much as they'd like and not gain any weight. Please have a pile of french fries for me as i cut back :)

I listened to a sermon from the church i attended throughout my high school years. The sermon was in reference to not being unequally yoked. I LOVED the way pastor A. explained the true meaning of this passage. It's talking about being yoked to God, not this world. That does not mean you shun the people in this world but that you are available and there for the friends and people God puts in your life. I've always heard those verses talking about marriage and not marrying a non-believer which makes sense, but it was good to see this passage in a new light. I was encouraged by the fact that it's to God i need to be yoked with. He's going to walk with me and remain my source of strength and joy when i choose to invite him into my heart.
I'm a sinner that's not something new, but there are certain sins that i've dealt with that as of recently i really see God pulling out of me bit by bit. Old familiar lies i believed about myself he is forcing me to hand over and allow the junk in my mind/heart to be removed. It's a painful yet cleansing process. I know this process is for His glory and that is the truth that makes it a little easier.

I sometimes wonder what my marriage will look like in ten years from now. Will I be a little more mature? Will the little things still bug me? Will i still have my days i am too hard on Darren? Since i first met Darren it has been interesting to say the least. My husband is the most interesting guy i know. He has me on my toes constantly. Right when i start thinking i've figured him out he throws me a curve ball! This past month i'd say we were going through a bit of a drought. You're going to have this when you take God out of the picture. I was so excited about the things going on and darren was not as enthusiastic about the changes as i was. I must have tried three separate conversations and all i received was a simple nod and 'uh huh'. I went to a good friend and complained and whined thinking it would make me feel better and after several conversations with her i realized, 'wow laura you are gossiping about your husband and badmouthing him over and over because he's not reacting in a way you think he should.' I believe God brought this to my attention through the words of my mother. She would always tell me to not talk bad about darren. I felt really ashamed of myself because gossiping about darren isn't going to fix the insecurities I am having.
The marriage God intended for me was built upon Himself. When i am faithfully seeking and being obedient to God my marriage is blissful and there is a true joy found between darren and I. Inside of darren are gifts that are smothered when i am trying to make him into an image of the perfect guy. This is satan's work i'm carrying out when i smother him with put downs or 'you' statements. Thankfully i have a husband who is as patient as they come. I had to apologize to him and admit i was wrong for being so hard on him. I am going to have 'top of the mountain' experiences with God and he'll listen and be excited but he may not tell me how he feels about that for three more days! This is okay :) God is teaching me all of this and more. I don't want to change my man. I see God working in his heart and he occasionally tells me very profound statements that blow me away. He loves God and i am crazy about him because of that. But i love how he loves me. Darren has given a lot for me that i forgot about. He truly does take care of me for better or worse. Trust me when i tell you he has seen the worst of me and still chose to stay. I have been praying lately that i'd be refreshing to him. A safe haven from the daily grind. If it was up to me we'd engage in soul to soul conversations all the time, but since it's not up to me...i'm learning that in reality you need time for quietness, for laughter, for small chatter, light hearted conversations, back massages, playing games side by side, being apart, and more. Marriage is complex and this relationship with Darren is a work in progress but i want you to know i am falling more in love with my husband. I am not perfect and have sinned against him but i can honestly tell you he is my best friend, the one my heart leaps for joy over. I want to run away from him sometimes because the worst thing is when he sees me fail. This is the fuel that motivates me to become a wife after God's heart so that i can love Darren the way God intended me to.
I have fallen many times into the beliefs of this world that it's all about me, and listened/believed all my statements about putting my husband down for this or that. I encourage you now, do not start bad mouthing your husband/wife because that is exactly where satan wants you to go. You take your eyes off Christ and start focusing on yourself and you will quickly find yourself in a pit. There is nothing freeing about gossiping about your marriage. It is important to pray pray pray because God knows your heart, and maybe the problem is not your husband but you. I have found this true for me. I was being selfish and expecting unfair things from him. I was wanting him to make me happy all the time by doing exactly what i wanted him to do. I think you get the point. When there's a time of frustration in your marriage it's time to go to God humbly in prayer and confess all the feelings and thoughts you are having. We need to ask God to search our hearts. It's not easy, and i will be the first to admit that but work through conflict the right way.

Darren admires me at times and shares a compliment with me when i least expect it. It happens to be perfect how that works out. He can be very unpredictable, but i love the familiar little things he does. I can't tell you how devastated i will be when he goes away for long periods of time. I am not the type of girl that sucks it up and pretends life is okay. However, I will be real and say it hurts, that i miss him. There is nothing normal about your husband leaving for six months. It's going to be okay to have days i dont want to get out of bed because i miss him that much! I married a handsome, funny, good man and every inch of me want to see him every day. I will trust in God that he'll use time of separation to build each of us up and strengthen our marriage. I will pray for strength to be a light for Christ and be there for others as a good friend. Life as a navy wife is full of unpredictable events and without God's steady hand in my life i'd be completely lost.
1 John 3
1How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!
And that is what we are!

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