He is teaching in the midst of my discontentment.
Tired eyes scroll down a long list of real estate postings. "There has to be something for us". Sticker shock begins to settle in but we try to adjust our high hopes to fit into any home in our budget. I can see them shaking their heads in disapproval. I can even understand when they say, 'What will you do when the military moves you?', 'It's a big financial commitment', 'That's probably not the wisest decision'.
We look at each other after spotting a dream home and both get giddy with excitement. A Yard!? A garage!? How many rooms? whoa!. We smile and talk about what it would be like to have a home. My husband is confident and determined. I admire his profile while he talks. Are we really dreaming of our future together again? I smile as I remember a previous conversation the other day. We sat quietly in the car, 'We've only been married three years and all of these things have happened, we still hopefully have like 47!, cool'. He doesn't talk much which drives me out of my sweet loving mind! Returning to the search I tell him it would be so nice to own a home.
But we're living on one income that down on paper doesn't look like much. I know in my heart we can't buy a home. I know God isn't leading us in that direction today.
Eyes shut tight, head drops to my hands slowly. "Lord, i want a place on a wall to mark my children's growth. I want to be in the same place for more then two years. I want my own home. To paint, remodel, and make it our own. I want room for people to gather and grow."
I still dream...
I reach for that small bible that has become like a good friend. Hands extend quickly when spotted. Flipping through the noisy pages I find his words.
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress my God, in whom I trust." (psalm 91:1-2 emphasis mine)
Leaning back I am nothing but thankful for the reminder that He is my home. He has heard my words and cares. I browse around my home now and am reminded he lead us here a year ago. That it's actually a beautiful place to call home.